Babes in Poland

France is Stupid

Here is a very confusing article about European Union politics which can be summed up in the following sentence: France hates anything that is not French.  Apparently, and it is late in the day so I'm probably confused, France is worried that all the Poles are going to stream across the border and take jobs away from the French (Sort of how everyone in the US is like OMG THE MEXICANOS ARE TAKING OUR JERRRRRRRBS!!!!!!TACO!!!!!!!).  This is crap because:

1. The only job the French do is sit on their bony asses, smoke cigarettes and bitch about the United States in between croissant bites.  You can easily do this in Poland.
2. Poland does not border France so the Poles cannot stream across a border where one does not exist.  I know there is no border because if there was, Crac and I would be making daily trips to France to eat.

So what is the deal?  I dunno. The article is chock full of vicious threats like "{the}local mayor vowed publicly to send the former commissioner a list of unemployed French plumbers."  Oh my GOD...the humanity.

Nope, You Can't Eat That Either

I love pierogis.  Homemade pierogis are mmmm mmmmm delish.  I thought that I could survive this summer on pierogi alone.  However, I know that will not be possible.

Pierogis are stuffed with cheese.  Where does cheese, more specifically Polish cheese, come from? FROM THE POISON MILK FROM THE TEAT OF THE DEVIL POLISH COWS, THAT'S WHERE! 

And even IF I you could make pierogis with cheese not from THE TEATS OF THE DEVIL POLISH COWS you would still have to boil the pierogis in the Polish water, which is unsafe for human consumption. I don't even want the Polish water to touch my skin.  Remember that old ad from Evian where the model is bathing in a bathtub of Evian?  Yeah that's going to be Cracola and I.

My Thoughts, Exactly

Countdown to Poland

Guys, it is less than a month before Cracola and I take off to the land of the Poles.

Hey Buddy, Can You Spare a Zloty?

Times are hard in Poland.

From the aticle-"Five million Poles officially live in extreme poverty, government statistics say. This poverty is, by West European standards, truly extreme, with just 2 euros ($2.50) a day for all expenses, including food, clothing and rent. Another 7.7 million people are near the poverty line, with just 2.50 euros a day. Incredible as it may sound, this makes a total of more than 12 million people, 33 percent of a society that appears modern and increasingly affluent to the outside world."

Poland is a Rip-Off

Look at how useful the mail from the school was! It has launched a week's worth of blogging.  Golfclap for the administrators of the program, however it is a golfclap tempered by my disgust that this stuff was not sent out in, I don't know, MARCH?

Anyhow, they sent us a handy little chart with approximate price conversions.  I'm not sure how recent it is (you don't expect them to tell us everything, do you?) but if it is recent then some things are cheaper in Poland but not as many as I thought would be.

1. 1L of milk is 40 cents- This is so totally useless.  Remember, you can't drink the milk unless you boil it? When I bought milk at the Harris Teeter a few days ago, it was something like $2.50 a gallon.  So when you figure that there are X number of liters in a gallon, convert the price to zlotys, carry the one, divide by pi... it comes out to milk is really freaking cheap but it doesn't matter because you don't want to drink anything that comes out of Polish cows anyways.
2. A loaf of bread is also 40 cents- This will be a significant savings because the Weight Watchers brand bread that Cracola and I force ourselves to eat is $3 a loaf.  However, because of the massive amounts of preservatives in the said WW bread it never goes bad so you can eat it for up to 6 years after you buy it.
3. A Big Mac is $1.50, with a Coke and chips, $2.20- I really hope they mean fries when they say chips. Regardless, I don't eat at McDonald's and this doesn't seem that much cheaper than the US price.
4. Three fine roses, $6- What a random addition to our little list.  I'm positive that you can get roses for under $2 a pop.
5. A night at a campsite in a tent, $4- Oh yeah. I don't stay in "tents".  I don't shit in the "woods".  I don't like "bugs" or "wild animals".
6. Cinema ticket, $3- Are Polish movies worth $3?  Will they be showing American movies?  Will they show Star Wars with Darth Vader speaking Polish?  If so, that may be worth $3. Movies in DC are ridiculously expensive, about $10 a person.
7. 1L unleaded petrol, 75 cents- I think petrol is a funny word.

Snarky

I don't want to be snarky (ok I do, I really, really do) but we got a map of Cracow in the mail and our apartment is closer to our classes than the dorms. So not only are the fools in the dorm getting the pleasure of paying $3,000 US (87,987 zlotys) each for the pleasure of showering with a hose but they also have a hike to get up to school.

Don't Drink the Water

So the useful piece of information we got in the mail yesterday included the following useful tips about beverages in Poland:

1. Be careful of the water and especially ice- Ok, is this Poland or is this Mexico?  I know you are not supposed to drink the water in Mexico because it is a third world hell hole but I thought Poland was a little more developed than Mexico.  Didn't the Soviets bother to install water treatment facilities or were they to busy building huge statues of Lenin?  But if Poland is worse than Mexico, Crac and I are going to have real problems.
2. Don't drink soft drinks from brands that are sealed with corks- Easy enough.  I will be importing approximately 20 tons of Diet Coke with Splenda to avoid having to drink Polish soda.
3. Take care with fruit juice as water may have been added- Not if its JUICY JUICE! 
4. Milk should be treated with suspicion unless it is boiled- I believe this is sage advice in any country, not just Poland. In fact, the whole dairy section should be given a shifty eyed glance and a knowing nod. And the thought of boiled milk makes me want to barf.
5. Tea and coffee are OK since the water is boiled- Great! Two things I can finally drink without fear!  Oh wait, I hate tea and coffee.  Bummer, man.

So forget starving.  The human body can go 7 days without food but only 3 days without water.  Crac and I will be dead by June 20th.

The Scarlet "U" for Uselessness

I have no idea what that picture says however I am putting it here because it appears to be in Polish and I found it in a Google Image Search for "useless".

Yesterday marked the very first time I received a useful piece of information about the Poland program from my school.  Keep in mind, Crac and I have been involved and begging for information since December.

Now I don't want to complain about the administration of the school here but I just want to say that if I acted this way in my day job (you know the one where I'm not an international woman of mystery/law student) then I would have been fired a long time ago.

International Intrigue and Agreements

So does the completion of three years of law school at the crappiest of law schools qualify you to write an international agreement?  You betcha!

When we made the arrangements for our "apartment" at the Wielopole, our landlord, who I will call Kevindarling, said all we had to do was show up at a bar in Cracow with $1000 Euro and we would get the apartment.  This didn't sit well with Cracola, the budding young attorney in her needed a written contract, something signed, in writing...she needed a lease!

But Kevindarling didn't think that was necessary and told Crac that if she wanted a lease, she could write one herself.  So she did!  She wrote a lease in the United States for an apartment in Cracow that may or may not exist and sent it to Ireland to be signed by some random dude who may or may not own the said apartment.

This was hilarious because say Kevindarling ends up being a shady slumlord (if he exists at all) or if the apartment ends up not existing, what are we going to do?  Where are we going to take this homemade lease for enforcement?  The written lease provides us no legal security or power here in the US, in Ireland or P-land.  That being said, it was an extremely well written lease and if this whole Polish adventure doesn't result in us getting any credits for law school then maybe Crac can get some credit for her lease writing skills.