Babes in Poland

What's Worse Than Buying a Bathing Suit in America?

Buying a bathing suit in Cracow, that's what.

Cracola and I are visiting the healing mineral baths of Budapest this weekend. We've heard great things about them and hopefully they will help with what ails us.

You can either take the plunge in a bathing suit or in your birthday suit. Since Cracola and I are the fattest Babes in Poland, we can only assume that we are the fattest Babes in Hungary too and as not to offend the Hungarians with our huge jiggly cellulite, we need some coverage. Since I did not plan on having to take this excursion, I did not bring my bathing suit with me.

So we went to the mall. Not the Galeria Kazmirez but a different mall. The new mall, Zakopianka, sucked but it did have a KFC. The KFCs in Poland have this delish taco (yes, taco) that Cracola and I dream of at night because it was the only good thing we've eaten here. Mmmmm, Taco Quoro!

Anyways, did I say Zakopianka Mall sucked? I think I did. Anyways, despite its suckage, it did have a pretty decent bathing suit store. So Cracola and I went in. Now, all Polish women are twigs and the shop girl Magda was no exception. She had a smoking hot body.

Magda:Can I help?
Cracola: We need huge bathing suits. Massive. We are whales.
Magda: Beeeeeeeeeg?
Cracola: Yes, big. Very, very big. Huge.

So Magada goes rooting through the bathing suit bins and extracts huge bikinis that will hold our fatness. At one point, she offered me a g-string bottom. Yeah right, Magda. Rub it in.

And Like That...He Was Gone.

I am the smartest woman alive. Seriously, ask Cracola.

We have satellite TV with over 500 channels (92 of them being hardcore pornography). We have quite a few English language channels however, all the English language channels had a weird Polish voice over on them, except for the Hallmark Channel which only shows Father Dowling Mysteries.

Yesterday, I wondered to myself, "Hmmmmm... I wonder what the language button does on the remote."

So I hit it. And with that, I slew the Polish voice over dude.

Surrender!

We have discovered whyPoland gets invaded all the time. 

We met some members of the Polish Army the other night.  They were all wearing "I Love Canada" shirts along with their military berets.

Do you hear that Canada? Poland is begging to be annexed.

Poland is Soooooo Gay

Gaaaaaay.

Christmas in Cracow Part II

Well we decided to use the stolen DVD players for hours of entertainment. We bought out the EMPIK Megastore. They had such a lovely collection of random DVDs but whatever, any of these fine films is better than the 24/7 Father Dowling Mysteries we have been watching. The best of the lot is Fair Game starring Cindy Crawford's boobs and Billy Baldwin's ass.

Into the Darkness

Jesus. If it is not one thing with our stupid bathroom, it is another thing.

The lightbulb blew in the bathroom. No biggie, right? Well we have 12 foot ceilings and the only light in the bathroom is right at the top. Even if Cracola basket tossed me up there, I still don't think I could reach it.

So we called Maurice. You know how this is going to go don't you?

Maurice will not come fix the light. Coming to fix the light would require him actually coming to our apartment and maybe bringing a ladder and a lightbulb. No that is not Maurice's style.

He is sending over an electrician tomorrow (yeah right) to install a brand new light lower down so we can reach it. That's right, we are getting a whole new light.

Until then, the mop torch will come in handy to light our showers.

FREE THE PANTIES!

That's just great.
The washer came and was wonderful but the washer has a superiority complex where it thinks it is Fort Knox and not in fact a washer in our bathroom.

It has a lock on it that prevents it from being opened. We tried unplugging it, kicking it, pulling on the door...everything. The washer refuses to relinquish the panties.

And of course, the instructions for the stupid thing are in Polish.

Here in the picture, Cracola tries to use her massive guns to pull open the washer door.

Waiting for Godot...err...Maurice

We tried to find Maurice last night to finally thank him for the bounty of the shower, the 3 DVD players and the washing machine. As with most things here in Poland, we failed.

We went to his pub.

Cracola: "We are here for Maurice."

Random pub worker: "Oh?  He is supposed to be here soon.  I'll call him and tell him two hotties are looking for him."

Maurice never showed. I think he is scared of Cracola, and frankly, so am I.  She is big and mean. BIG AND MEAN.

As Promised

The super hot video of one of the Babes in Poland on the mechanical bull in Zakopane is now up. Please email cracow_couture for access to the video.

It may, in fact, be hilarious.

Polish Post Office Redux

One of the friends of the Babes In Poland sent a package but it has apparently been lost by the Polish Postal Service...

Your item cleared customs in POLAND at 9:14 pm on June 23, 2005. Information, if available, is updated every evening. Please check again later.

Here is what happened earlier:
ARRIVED ABROAD, POLAND, June 23, 2005, 8:04 pm, delivered to bombed-out building on ridiculously named Lubricant Street, where Polish Postal workers ate most of the Fritos and accidentally crushed the Pringles. Also, thanks to Yortka, a particularly lascivious Polish postal handler, that is not frosting on those Pop Tarts.
INTERNATIONAL DISPATCH, KENNEDY AMC, June 22, 2005, 12:37 pm
ENROUTE, June 22, 2005, 10:38 am, JAMAICA, NY 11499
ENROUTE, June 21, 2005, 4:28 pm, BALTIMORE, MD 21240
ACCEPTANCE, June 21, 2005, 8:25 am, BALTIMORE, MD 21230