The Adventures and Further Adventures of Smelly Canadian Man

Now you know, all weekend, Crac had insulted my people in the following ways:

1. She said thosepeople while sneering on Air Baltic and making an obscene gesture with her hand
2. She said my people were “a little bit Polish”
3. She burned a Lithuanian flag while chanting “DEATH TO LITHUANIA” in Welsh

Ok, so #3 didn’t happen but I believe it would have if she had been able to get her hands on a flag and learn some Welsh. But even after all that, she wouldn’t stop. She just had to get one more dig in.

We were in line for passport control at the Vilnius Airport and there was a pungent odor hanging in the air. I mean this odor was foul. It was rude. So of course, Crac decides to blame the poor, formerly oppressed Lithuanians.

“Jesus, do you think that your people could get some deodorant?”

“Shut it, Crac unless you want to get an open hand across the face Air Baltic style.”

But, she was right, the odor was gross. And I was ashamed that my people had no sense of hygiene.

Then, I stepped up to passport control and it was like walking into the Great Wall of Smell. The man in front of me had gone through passport control but had left his rotten stench behind. My eyes started watering and I gagged.

“Crac, its not the Lithuanians! It is the Canadian man!”

Crac rolled her eyes.

The Canadian man went through security but his smell lingered.

“God that is disgusting, I hope he isn’t on our flight.”

We were a little early so we went up to the bar to watch the planes land and drink Cokes and eat peanuts. My eyes started watering again.

“Oh man, what’s that smell? Did you fart?

Crac covered her nose with her hand.

“No, I didn’t fart! I don’t know what that is!”

I looked behind me and in the doorway of the bar was Smelly Canadian Man. The plants next to the doorway had withered and turned black from being downwind from him.

“Oh man! He’s following us! He better not be on our flight!”

But of course, karma is a bitch, and he was. At all of the airports we have flown to in Europe, they do not have gates but buses that take you out on the runway to the planes. We got on our little bus and Smelly Canadian Man was there, holding onto the handrails with his arms up and gassing the whole bus.

The smell on the bus was disgusting. Foul. Rude. Smelly Canadian man was in the back of the bus so we went to the front and stood there. But there was no escaping the odor of Smelly Canadian Man. The bus driver got on the bus and got ready to take us the 10 feet to where our prop Eurolot plane was waiting.

Crac grabbed the bus driver.

“Sir, do not close the doors. If you close the doors, I will vomit.”

But the bus driver ignored her and shut the door anyway.

“Get on the floor, the air is cleaner on the floor!” she shouted and then hit the deck.

Our eyes watered. We were both about to spew when the bus stopped, the doors opened and fresh air poured into the bus.

“God, he better not be sitting near us.”

But of course, karma is a bitch, and he was. Crac and I had two seats on the left and he and his not so smelly but still guilty by association wife were in the two seats on the right of the plane.

“I’m not going to make it through this flight without barfing. We have to move seats.”

It was a full flight though. So Crac went up to the stewardess and asked if we could pay to switch to business class. (What? Of course Eurolot has business class!) The stewardess said no. So Crac decided to try another tactic without my knowledge. She told the stewardess that I was her “mentally handicapped” sister and if I sat on the wing I would piss myself all the way to Warsaw. The stewardess moved us immediately to two seats in the bulkhead.

That’s what friends are forrrrrrrrrr…

At the front of the plane, we were finally upwind from Smelly Canadian Man and had a pleasant flight. We landed in Warsaw and made our connection to Cracow which was the exact same Eurolot plane. (What? You thing Eurolot has more than one plane?) And what seats did we have? The seats of Smelly Canadian Man and his wife. And yes, they still smelled bad.

Karma is a bitch.

Comments

[susan-Warren Hospital]

Reminds me of the Seinfeld episode with the smelly valet guy. I hope it comes out of your hair! EWE.........

[zintango]

Rest assured my people do not all smell.

I'm having a full Royal Commission launched into this odorous situation.

The findings should be released in 2019, provided it is not an election year.