Apart from fighting about where Bob Hoskins may or may not be from, Cracola and I never fight. Mostly because we get along famously but sort of because I don’t usually go around picking fights with people who can body slam me into next Tuesday.
That is, except when they insult the Lithuanians.
We boarded the flying tin can known as Air Baltic which smelled more like a flying sewer pipe rather than a tin can and took our filthy seats in the plane. The plane was packed.
I leaned over to Cracola.
“Do you think we weigh more than 20.8 metric tons?”
“What? How would I know? What kind of question is that? You look like you weigh a metric ton though,” she said as she held her nose tightly with her thumb and forefinger.
“Listen, these prop planes cannot take off if they weigh even a smidgen over 20.8 metric tons. Looks like there are a lot of fatties and baggage on this one”
“Smidgen, eh? Is that a technical term?”
Regardless of the fatties and their baggage, the plane took off beautifully and we started from Denmark over the Baltic Sea to Lithuania. About half an hour into the flight, the stewardesses came by with a menu of things you could order.
“Too bad we couldn’t buy any currency. I would have liked a Coke or something.”
Cracola sneered.
“Whatever, I’m not buying anything from those people.”
Um, excuse me? Those people? My people? The proud Lithuanian people who beat back the burden of Communism? Oh hell no. Those people are most definitely not those people.
So I did the logical thing and slapped her across the face.
“What the hell is your problem? What did you do that for?”
“Because you’re a racist. And I hate you.”
“What the hell?”
“I heard the way you said those people. Those people are my people, you bitch.”
“Your people are the people who work at Air Baltic? Because that is who I am talking about.”
Damn.
“Oh, well, uhh, that’s a horse of a different color then. I’m sorry for slapping you and uhh, please don’t punch me,” I whimpered.
Cracola picked up the menu and turned it over. The brilliant logo of Mastercard caught her eye.
“Just to show you how not a racist I am and how much I looooooove Lithuanians, I’m going to order everything on this menu. In fact, I am going to order two of everything on this menu so that you can partake in this exercise against racism.”
And she did. And I was sure she loved the Lithuanians until the next time she insulted them.
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