Babes in Poland

Cheering for the Away Team

As is our routine on Tuesdays, we tried to hunt Maurice at his bar and possibly win a few zloty in pub quiz. We had been worried all week about Maurice because he did not return Cracola’s texts. He had told us that he was going to “buy property in the Ukraine” last week and we worried that one of Mafioso’s Ukranian thugs had gotten to him.

Now we did something, that we are not proud of. Because neither Cracola or I know anything about sports and sports is a topic every week, we invited Brandy to join us, thinking that even the gayest of the gay might know a little something about sports. They did not know anything, were completely useless and we came in 5th place. Out of 6.

However, the 5th place showing is under protest because had we just one more point we would have finished 4th. And, we had that point but the quiz was wrong.

The topic was geography the question was, “This is the only country to lie in two continents.”

Easy enough, Russia, no?

Well the answer on the quiz was Turkey and I don’t dispute that Turkey lies in two continents but SO DOES RUSSIA. Ignoring the fact that anything Russian that is west of the Urals is in Europe (Moscow? Hello.), Russia own a small slice of land next to Lithuania and POLAND called Kaliningrad. And Lithuania and Poland are clearly in Europe so thus, so must be Kaliningrad.

And we weren’t the only ones who had Russia. Two other teams had Russia and they were full of big Irish guys who were arguing with the pub quiz master.

A riot was about to break out. The pub quiz master was calling for a map, but really, who brings a map to a bar fight? Spontaneously, the entire bar broke out into a chant of “RUSSIA! RUSSIA! RUSSIA!” Even the people who put down Turkey were joining in as well.

I thought the roof was going to blow off the place.

The pub quiz master saw the problem with this.

“Gentlemen, gentlemen! We cannot have you yelling for Russia in an Irish bar in Poland! The army will be here soon!”

Yeah right, like the entire Polish army could take on 25 drunk Irishmen.

Regardless, the people in the bar started laughing. The question was forgotten so we settled into 5th place. But the results are still under protest.

Some Like It Hot

Everything in Poland is ridiculous to the point of absurdity. Even tiny tasks, like ordering a hot chocolate to go, become long drawn out epics that end with one of the characters committing suicide or at least wanting to.

Yesterday, Cracola stopped at the coffee shop near our class to get a cup of joe. Because my stomach is old and shriveled, I can no longer tolerate the sweet caffeinated juice of the coffee bean. So I asked her to get me a hot chocolate and I would meet her back at the coffee shop after I checked my email at the internet cafe and together, one with a coffee and the other with a hot chocolate, we would walk to class together.

So I went, checked the email, and then walked back up to the coffee shop. Inside, sat at one of the tables, was Cracola and a glass mug filled with hot chocolate.

“So, uh, you didn’t get it to go? Because I don’t really have time to sit here and drink this.”

And just like that, Cracola snapped, just as she had at the post office when the guy was stamping the claims forms too much. She raised her eyes to me and slammed her hand on the table.

“I dare you- I freaking dare you- to try and get a to go cup. Just go ahead and try because I’ve tried so much that they are about to kick me out of here.”

“Umm, ok, I guess I’ll just sit here and drink it…no big deal…”

“No! It is a big deal. In fact it is a huge deal. I have my coffee in a to go cup, I ordered yours in a to go cup. But the girl, that Polish girl would not give me one. She said hot chocolate cannot go in the cups. Why? I don’t know, I asked her but all she could say is NO NO NO. But look here, at my cup, there are all these things you can check off depending on what kind of drink it is- coffee, tea, latte, mocha, HOT FREAKING CHOCOLATE! I don’t understand it, the cup is made for hot chocolate and that girl won’t put it in!”

Cracola was now foaming at the mouth at the retelling of the story.

“Ok, its fine, I’ll just sit here and drink this…”

“NO IT IS NOT FINE! I realized the Polish girl wasn’t going to put the hot chocolate in the cup, so I put the drinks down and went up to get another cup and POUR THE HOT CHOCOLATE IN MYSELF. But the girl wouldn’t give in. I told her I needed the extra cup because my coffee cup was too hot. But she shook her head and said, NO I KNOW YOU ARE JUST GOING TO POUR THE HOT CHOCOLATE INTO IT!”

“Um, really dude, it’s fine. I’m just going to sit here quietly and finish this delicious hot chocolate…Thank you so much for it.”

“Whatever, I hate Poland.”

Cholera!

Last night, I watched one of the worst movies ever made, Angel Eyes starring the Babes in Poland's most favorite of actresses, J-Lo.

All of our dvds are in English however they have Polish subtitles. Now nothing good can ever, ever, ever come out of a J-Lo movie however, the subtitles did teach me that the Polish word for "Dammit!" is "Cholera!"

Cholera! Cholera! Cholera!

4th of July- Polish style

We celebrated the 4th of July hunting Maurice at the Irish Arms with 23 piss drunk Irishmen who had flown in for the U2 concert and who were singing Irish folk songs.

When asked why they were celebrating American independence, they replied, "We celebrate anytime the fookin English get their arses kicked."

Trolley of Death

Cracola and I have become way too comfortable around the Cracow trolleys. Everyday we tempt fate by crossing Westerplatte Street in front of the trolleys. But seriously, no more, because yesterday we saw a man get run over by a trolley.

We were sitting on our balcony, catching some rays, happy to be back in Cracow and not in awful Hungary when a trolley hit a man waiting at the trolley stop. The picture here is of the crowd that gathered after everyone bailed off of the trolley of death to look at the victim.

Within seconds, the Polish ambulance service came roaring around the corner. In fact, it roared around the corner so fast that it overshot the crowd, the trolley, the victim and the police car and had to take a lap around the block to come back to the scene. I am not making that up at all.

When the ambulance finally made it back to the possibly bleeding and dying victim, the paramedics popped out of the ambulance and it was such a scene that Cracola turned to me and said, "Did a hooker just get out of that ambulance?"

The proper dress for the Polish paramedic squad is a tight button down shirt with most of the buttons unbuttoned, fake boobs, blonde hair and red, low slung, hot pants.

We didn't stick around to see if the guy made it or the the Polish paramedic babes started making out with each other but we now live in fear of the trolley.

The Polish Postal Service Comes Through in the Clutch

A bad day for American jurisprudence is a good day for the Babes in Poland.

Not one but TWO packages arrived from America today.  More food for the starving babes.  And the packages came to the house so we didn't have to go see panty/ belly fat woman to claim them.

We already devoured the Fritos.  We wanted to make Frito Pie but we didn't have chili, cheese and sour cream.

And Like That...He Was Gone.

I am the smartest woman alive. Seriously, ask Cracola.

We have satellite TV with over 500 channels (92 of them being hardcore pornography). We have quite a few English language channels however, all the English language channels had a weird Polish voice over on them, except for the Hallmark Channel which only shows Father Dowling Mysteries.

Yesterday, I wondered to myself, "Hmmmmm... I wonder what the language button does on the remote."

So I hit it. And with that, I slew the Polish voice over dude.

Surrender!

We have discovered whyPoland gets invaded all the time. 

We met some members of the Polish Army the other night.  They were all wearing "I Love Canada" shirts along with their military berets.

Do you hear that Canada? Poland is begging to be annexed.

Polish Post Office Redux

One of the friends of the Babes In Poland sent a package but it has apparently been lost by the Polish Postal Service...

Your item cleared customs in POLAND at 9:14 pm on June 23, 2005. Information, if available, is updated every evening. Please check again later.

Here is what happened earlier:
ARRIVED ABROAD, POLAND, June 23, 2005, 8:04 pm, delivered to bombed-out building on ridiculously named Lubricant Street, where Polish Postal workers ate most of the Fritos and accidentally crushed the Pringles. Also, thanks to Yortka, a particularly lascivious Polish postal handler, that is not frosting on those Pop Tarts.
INTERNATIONAL DISPATCH, KENNEDY AMC, June 22, 2005, 12:37 pm
ENROUTE, June 22, 2005, 10:38 am, JAMAICA, NY 11499
ENROUTE, June 21, 2005, 4:28 pm, BALTIMORE, MD 21240
ACCEPTANCE, June 21, 2005, 8:25 am, BALTIMORE, MD 21230